I Asked AI to Analyse My Life Pattern, But Some Things Are Beyond Logic

It was a random thought while I was trying to rank the men in my past from the least harmful to the most harmful. It's always a tug of war, and the order of the list keeps changing based on my emotions, mood and memory plays in real time with that guy. Finally, I thought maybe I was thinking the wrong way, and I should ask myself which guy hurt me the most. But in the moment of hurt, all of them did, and there is no measure of emotional pain.

Plus, I realised it was my mistake in letting them hurt me. Again, I was asking the wrong question. And at the end of it all, I felt tired, and I just gave up. I told myself they were equal to each other. Leaving it at that didn't exactly give me peace, but I didn't have to think about it in that moment. 

And it was exactly then that I remembered Fleabag's monologue confession, "I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning. No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like. What to hate. What to rage about. What to listen to. What band to like? What to buy tickets for. What to joke about. What not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in. Who to vote for and who to love and how to…tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far, I think I’ve been getting it wrong. And I know that’s why people want someone like you in their lives, because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do and what they’ll get out of the end of it, even though I don’t believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing that I do makes any difference in the end, anyway, I’m still scared. Why am I still scared? So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Father."

This just seems like a normal cry for help to a deaf ear, but if you pay attention to it closely, you will see it's actually an individual looking for emotional safety and some kind of stable companionship in this chaotic world where things can finally make sense. The exhaustion of carrying your own emotional weight for too long. After all, everybody wants to be loved.

And every now and then, we do get tired. Not of the daily struggle. Not of fighting the boss. Not of doing the same work. Not of fighting the same battle, but doing it all alone. Sometimes, it feels better to share the pain without asking for it or just knowing the fact that someone is there. That feeling is sufficient to fight a battle. MS Dhoni once said, "I can fight with the whole world, I can deal with thousands of stresses, but I need my wife on my side." It perfectly explains how essential emotional support is to face any challenges in life, that feeling that only comes through her presence.

Hence, my perspective changed. I got the question. Who was the person who made me feel emotionally safe and yet chose to leave? Who was the person who ignited emotions in me without any intention? And there it was! My answer.

There was no second-guessing. No confusion. No second thoughts. I didn't have to rank anymore. I had one clear answer, and no AI tool or life pattern analysis would ever be able to make it this simple to me, I did. It was exactly when I stopped looking for the answer or the correct question that could lead me to the answer.

It wasn't about who wronged me or who betrayed my trust. People and their life patterns are going to behave the way they are supposed to. Some people leave, some stay temporarily. Some make promises they cannot keep or never planned to keep. Some kindle emotions without realising the impact.

And yes, this is the scariest part of human connections and relationships. But not everyone who enters your life comes with an intention to destroy you, yet some people end up changing something within you forever. I think that's why ranking emotional pain felt exhausting to me, because I was trying to measure the incidents instead of the impact.

One guy may have lied more, another may have cared less, and some may have disappeared when I needed them the most. But this didn't answer the real question, which was, "Who made the absence feel unbearable?" And believe me, the answer has nothing to do with logic. It has everything to do with emotional safety, comfort, and familiarity. With the rare feeling of not having to carry everything alone for once.

I guess that's the reason certain people remain in our hearts longer than others, even if they did the worst thing. Actually, especially because somewhere in between conversations, late-night thoughts, small gestures, or silent understanding, they unknowingly became a place we emotionally rested in. 

And when that leaves, it doesn't just feel like losing a person. It feels like losing a version of yourself that existed safely around them. I think that was my answer all along. Not who hurt me the most, but who made me feel the safest and what it means when that safety disappears.

Until Next Time,

XOXO

The Queen of Random Things