So I Decided to Freeze My Eggs... And Then I...

I am not a big advocate of having kids, and that's just limited to me. I am not saying the entire world shouldn't have kids. The idea of (ME) bringing a life into this world of chaos and mayhem feels alien to me. I have my reservations, and even after years, I stand by them! Having kids is similar to having a tattoo on your face. You have to commit to it once you get it; there is no going back. Now, don't bring up the laser tattoo removal technology argument. 

Long ago, I made peace with the fact. Maybe someday, if I change my mind, I can adopt. But I don't see that happening. There is only one scenario where I would have kids, but I don't see that happening either.  

Increasing numbers of women are freezing their eggs because they are busy building a life they want. I admire how open-minded they have become! So a couple of years ago, I did a little research on freezing eggs! And man! Oh man! It is an expensive and painful procedure. But I get it. They aren't charging a bomb for willy-nilly reasons. It's legit, and you can insure your eggs. Plus, the annual storage charge, that's whopping!  Kriti Sanon got her eggs frozen around 2021 while she was filming Mimi. PC did the same in her early 30s.

But I am not sure what the whole thing meant to me. I had made up my mind not to have kids ever, and here I was researching the process in detail. That begged the questions. Did I want kids someday, or was I unconsciously planning to sell my eggs in future? I had to pour cold water on myself to understand the deep-down desire of wanting to go through such a medical procedure. 

Many of us don't know what and how exactly we want certain things. Sometimes we plan a few things out of peer pressure or societal push, but to us, they genuinely don't make sense. For some, it's getting married or going to a cafe, but for me, it was having a hope of having a kid someday, if I ever wanted that someday! 

The thought of not being able to have kids made me feel like less of a woman, and I couldn't shrug that thought for the longest time. All the logical arguments about kids are a liability, a long-term expense or an investment (Because all of us have seen Bagban) and that they aren't exactly a retirement plan just didn't make sense. And I didn't know how to pacify myself. I wasn't sure if my friends would be able to make sense of my worries and insecurities. And I wanted to keep my family far away from this thought because I wasn't sure they would understand the whole concept of freezing eggs, let alone supporting me. So, I pinned it for later. 

No matter how much we disagree, we enjoy validation from external and internal factors. Getting employee of the month, a well-dressed compliment, or even the simplest pleasure of enjoying your own home-cooked meal. Different forms of validation that keep us inspired and motivated to move ahead even on a bad day. And knowing that I could have kids was my form of validation! 

To my surprise, I realised I had never really wanted children, but I always wanted the choice to have them. There is a difference.

A part of me wanted to know that if I ever woke up one morning and changed my mind, biology wouldn't be the reason I couldn't. It wasn't maternal instinct knocking on the door. It was my ego quietly seeking reassurance that nothing had been taken away from me.

It sounds irrational, but many of the things we crave validation for are. I like children and dogs as long as they belong to someone else. Because I know they'll eventually go back home, and that's exactly how I like it. So the desire was never about raising a child. It was about preserving a possibility.

Once I understood that, the anxiety slowly disappeared.

I still don't want children. That hasn't changed. What changed is that I no longer need the comfort of keeping every door open just to prove something to myself. Some doors can remain unlocked without me ever walking through them. And some can be closed because I chose to close them, not because life did it for me.

Sometimes, clarity doesn't come from discovering what you want. It comes from understanding why you thought you wanted it in the first place.

Until next time

XOXO

The Queen of Random Things